TOP 5 Groaners Writers Should Avoid

TOP 5 Groaners Writers Should Avoid.
or, how to be rejected by a publisher in 5 easy steps, by John Walker Lee

You know how your story starts with your character waking up from a dream?
Or they're running away from something symbolic?
Or you gave the reader a weather report, because the level of precipitation is very, very important to the plot?
Or your character gets out of bed from their dream of being chased by a train and they go to look in the mirror and you describe what they see, and you think, I have found it, I have found a way to describe them all in one go and get it out of the way so that I don't have to think about it later, I can
just
list
facts.

You're one bullet away from being a Powerpoint presentation.

Maybe you wrote about an epic battle between a wizard/elf/mutant/vampire/werewolf and his estranged father. Even though you have the unimaginable power to create entirely new worlds you don't, you plagiarize someone else's world.

Maybe your lead character is perfect and never messes up and always catches on to every ledge they jump for, after all, they are the protagonist. Maybe your protagonist never has any conflict, never makes the wrong choice, never stops to take a shit in twelve days.

Your character, so desperate for relief, must obey a prophecy revealed in the first page of your story and now you drudge forward, knowing what will happen at the end, hoping some suicidal reader will drudge along with you. You're plodding forward to the anti-climax like some aged donkey because you deleted all the mystery, all the wonderful unknown, all the things that made you feel something.

Your FBI agent races to find that one guy who is the world's foremost expert in his field, haunted by his past, and they must quickly fly him across the world and give him full authority over the entire US army to prevent the attack of zombies/ebola/nuclear destruction/beings from another dimension.
Your story ends at the airport, where the rebellious anti-hero runs after the general's shy daughter and catches her just as she's about to board the plane.

And you shoot yourself.

As you fall down on the tiled floor in slow motion you wonder, why 5?